I am falling in love with my guy. He is truly some kind of wonderful. With that being said our relationship has been a challenge for me. Not for the usual reasons though. To be honest most of our arguments and whatnot have been of my own doing. Dang insecurities rearing their ugly head. Sadly I am constantly trying to sabotage something that feels so good and so right.
I have spoken several times in posts on my makeup blog about the journey I have been on in discovering the purpose God has for my life and also about knowing my worth. This journey has been an amazing one filled with drama, tragedy, loss, hope, faith, and perseverance. I swear if I write a book it will be a best seller. As God is stripping away layers of myself that I put up as protection it has undoubtedly been painful but I know it’s needed if I am going to live out that purpose. Over and over I keep hearing Him tell me to tell my story. Huh, God? Are you serious? Me tell unknown people all the secrets of my past that has kept me in the bondage of shame? Well if I have learned one thing about my Creator is that He is relentless in His pursuit of His children and if He wants you to do something it will get done. And if by sharing my story helps someone else then it’s truly worth it.
So what does my guy have to do with all of this? Recently, I was reading an email I received from a relationship site called www.anewmode.com where it talked about what people don’t tell you about healthy relationships. Basically it said that when you are in the type of relationship where there is no drama and no guessing if the guy is committed to you it causes you to look at yourself and to see your own flaws. Say what now?! As much as I hate admitting it, I am finding that this is true. I tell my guy that being with him has been like looking into a big mirror where I am forced to see the real me for the first time and face the role I played in the demise of all my previous relationships including my marriage. I can no longer blame my dating/relationship woes on someone else. Well I’ll be d*mned!!
During some meditation on this, I can readily admit I got some serious issues that I have never wanted to acknowledge. One of them being my daddy issues. I am convinced that 90% of most female relationship issues can be traced back in some way to her relationship to her father. No doubt my daddy is a good man and this post is not to bash him for his shortcomings as my father. I was lucky to be raised in a two parent home and I never had to worry about if my dad was coming home every night. But my daddy was not emotionally present. Every day for as long as I can remember he went to work and came home where he retreated to his “cave”. Any time my siblings and I attempted to engage my father in conversation we were routed back to our mom. We got so used to this that we just stopped going to him for anything. Mama became everything and the sole source of information about life. Now don’t get me wrong my mom was the bees’ knees but her views on men and relationships were extremely biased. There are certain things that moms are simply not equipped to handle. And since the death of my mom I can’t help but feel like an orphan although my dad lives literally around the corner from me. I can’t say I really know who my father is but yet I crave my dad’s undivided attention and advice on things more than ever now. As a kid, I found myself vying for my dad’s attention and just for him to acknowledge that I existed. So I convinced myself that if I was a good girl and did everything perfect he would be the daddy I seen in movies growing up. It never happened. And we all know that what you don’t get from your parents you will seek it somewhere else. It’s a story that has been told over and over since the beginning of time. So in my relationships I sought the attention I wasn't getting at home and would go to great lengths to get it. Most of my dating life I have gravitated to the fixer uppers. Nice guys but honestly they didn’t have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of. But by fixing them up I felt wanted and I did everything to get and keep their attention so that feeling of being desired never went away.When that no longer worked, I would begin to chase them just to get noticed on how awesome I am and realize he couldn’t live without me. I get nauseous just thinking about some of the foolishness I did for the attention of men.
Fast forward to 32 year old Tyra and my newly adopted dating motto became “everyone is replaceable”. I became what my bestie calls a Man-eater (cue Hall & Oats. Lol). And I lived up to that name. I actually felt like an addict in the way I was going through men. It felt empowering to be able to lure them in and then drop them in a heartbeat. Men seemed hell bent on becoming my next victim. The downside to this new attitude was that I would run at the first sign of trouble or what I deemed as trouble. To make it even worse, no matter the high I felt at rejecting them I still felt rejected when they didn’t seem to fight to keep me. But I still refused to let myself get attached to anyone for too long. Literally, out of nowhere I would get bored or restless, start nagging the guy to spend more time with me,the guy would emotionally shut down, and I would cut him off with no goodbye only to repeat it with the next one. No one made it past two months and as you can imagine that rollercoaster became exhausting.
Then my guy sneaks in my life. Never in a million trillion years did I see this coming. He’s an attractive guy but it was definitely not love or even like at first sight for me. I tried to get out of our first face to face meeting and I didn’t even dress up like I normally do. Just trifling. But what set him apart from the rest of my “wack” squad as he called them is that he was and remains consistent. He never pressed me or became a bugaboo even though I put him in the dreaded friendzone. We talked regularly and he would listen to all my dating stories with no judgment. He has never had no problem expressing his feelings but not in a whiny emo way. And mainly he just gets me and is the most encouraging person I have ever had in my life. He believes in me and us. So for the past six months I have been on a journey in doing things different this time with him. Don’t know why he is the “chosen” one to walk this with me but God bless him he’s doing it with few complaints. Nothing I do seems to push him away and for that reason alone I love him even more. He told me yesterday that he wants me flaws and all. We had a good giggle about that when I asked him if had been listening to Beyoncé. He really is my bestie with testies.
In closing, I am working on breaking up with my daddy issues. I know one of the first steps is forgiveness. It isn’t easy but I am determined more than ever to do so. Not just for myself but as a way to keep my promises to my mommy.
Be Blessed and Encouraged<3